| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2008|06:45 am] |
and it happens again... it's hard to trust whether it's real or not. whether this will end up like the rest. maybe it won't. maybe this is it.
maybe this isn't healthy.
maybe there's a deeper meaning as to why i can relate to these people.
maybe we got saved. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|02:35 am] |
i miss steven.
bought some ice cream at the diner... it just reminded me of stuff.
hail mary, full of grace... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2008|01:32 am] |
|
i have the two most loving and beautiful kittens in the entire world. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2008|11:34 pm] |
|
i just adopted 1 month old kittens. a boy and a girl. and they're amazing. i pick them up on thursday :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|12:27 am] |
it blows me away. i feel empowered though. like im in control with this a bit. i know what i want and i wont settle for less and i've been settling a lot in life. i never settle for little... but maybe just satisfying? it's time that people realize they can't walk all over me. and it's my fault it's been this way, i let it go. it's okay now though. i'm growing up and realizing that if i want something i need to go for it, work for it, find it, or earn it. life won't just fall into my lap, i need to make life.
so that's what im going to do. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. come and get me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|07:13 pm] |
|
i don't know what to do. this is confusing. i hope it's just a phase and gets better. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|03:22 am] |
while i was very hesitant at first and didn't want to risk hurting someone i don't regret making that trip tonight. it was one of the most satisfying things i have ever done. i feel so powerful! i was in control and i stood up for myself and was finally able to show someone who used to hurt me alot that he can't do that anymore. i guess i really am growing up. it was amazing to say "no" and be completely in control. i feel like im not the one in control in alot of my relationships now a days. this was a great confidence boost tho... like i reopened a door i closed years ago, and while it was a risk answering that knock on that door i never expected to hear ever again, it was amazing being able to say "no you can't come in. i don't want you to." ok so that was fucking really metaphoric and probably made alot more sense in my head hahaa. anyway, it was great. i finally realized i AM better than that. i AM worth more. and no you CANT walk all over me.
and i was wearing my awesome new jeans and american apparel v neck tee.
now it's time to take control of those other relationships in my life. this could be a very good year for me. really figuring out who i am. really looking out for me instead of being overly concerned with other people.
i love what dorian got me for my birthday.
i havn't written on here in ages.
what an exciting and satisfying night. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|02:08 am] |
here we go again.
round and round and round and round and round we go............. |
|
|
| poop. |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|01:27 am] |
i am so stressed. i feel stuck. i feel sick. i'm antsy. i need to get out of here. i would like to sleep... it seems like that's all i do but then i just have bad dreams that make me feel even sicker and stranger.
i want you to call right now i need some adoration.
ugh i feel sick.
school has never been this stressful for me. i can't wait to go home. i just want to go home. i don't know what i want. well right now i want to shower, but i don't want to miss your call. poop. maybe ill bring my phone with me to the shower. fuck i feel sick. ill shower tomorrow. then read alot and laundry.
i wish i could fix whatever is eating me up inside. this just feels horrible. i need a calling, i need a plan. i need to know where i'm going in life and what i want. gahhhh. |
|
|
| old draft i guess i never posted... |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|01:24 am] |
i really hate you. i hate both of you. i hate that i have to live with you in my life no matter how i attempt to avoid it... and that you will always be there and your name will come up every once in a while. fucking you're just another piece in the puzzle of our social lives in general. you make me want to puke. you're low, selfish, just stupid people who never deserved my attention to begin with... and you... you had my love. i feel like i wasted life, and my parent's lives as well. what really pisses me off? i have sympathy for you and how pathetic you are. the only thing i look forward to in life now is 2 weeks and 8 hours away... if at least two weeks. this is a perpetual shit hole. thank god for my friends. thank god i have them... not that it's easy to trust anyone after all this. fucking busted, leg spreading, fuck-up. and you, you... there's not even words to describe the waste you are and you unappreciative ways. you say you don't believe in karma, but that's only what you convince yourself of so you don't have to worry about the inevitable. you could've had everything, but you're weak and selfish. you hide out in your own shell. i wasted so much time with you. i should have always known you were a loser. and you were right the first time, despite the confidence in your voice when you spoke to skyler (yes, he told me). we will never be friends. i will never talk to you in a social contex again, and if my wishes are granted, i will never have to talk to you again period. it's too late to apologize, it's too late to use old memories to fix this. this is the end of many things, including much of my hope and faith in people and matters of the heart.
you say you wish nothing for me but puppies and unicorns. well, how dare you bring up that joke in a time like this. and how dare you even allow yourself to think that your hopes for me are welcome. i will write here exactly what i told you. the reason i do not have puppies and unicorns is because of people like you. and that whole reference to inside jokes we once used to have, don't think you have the right to use them again unless you are in my presence and we are both smiling, which will never again be, and maybe never was because more than anything i would like to erase the past, so don't plan on ever using it again.
goodbye, sunshine. you worthless piece of crap. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|04:57 am] |
i really hate you. i hate both of you. i hate that i have to live with you in my life no matter how i attempt to avoid it... and that you will always be there and your name will come up every once in a while. fucking you're just another piece in the puzzle of our social lives in general. you make me want to puke. you're low, selfish, just stupid people who never deserved my attention to begin with... and you... you had my love. i feel like i wasted life, and my parent's lives as well. what really pisses me off? i have sympathy for you and how pathetic you are. the only thing i look forward to in life now is 2 weeks and 8 hours away... if at least two weeks. this is a perpetual shit hole. thank god for my friends. thank god i have them... not that it's easy to trust anyone after all this. fucking busted, leg spreading, fuck-up. and you, you... there's not even words to describe the waste you are and you unappreciative ways. you say you don't believe in karma, but that's only what you convince yourself of so you don't have to worry about the inevitable. you could've had everything, but you're week and selfish. you hide out in your own shell. i wasted so much time with you. i should have always known you were a loser. and you were right the first time, despite the confidence in your voice when you spoke to skyler (yes, he told me). we will never be friends. i will never talk to you in a social contex again, and if my wishes are granted, i will never have to talk to you again period. it's too late to apologize, it's too late to use old memories to fix this. this is the end of many things, including much of my hope and faith in people and matters of the heart.
you say you wish nothing for me but puppies and unicorns. well, how dare you bring up that joke in a time like this. and how dare you even allow yourself to think that your hopes for me are welcome. i will write here exactly what i told you. the reason i do not have puppies and unicorns is because of people like you. and that whole reference to inside jokes we once used to have, don't think you have the right to use them again unless you are in my presence and we are both smiling, which will never again be, and maybe never was because more than anything i would like to erase the past, so don't plan on ever using it again.
goodbye, sunshine. you worthless piece of crap. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|02:55 am] |
first time i was scared, this time i have hope we will be alright.
it's a real shame when an angel on earth has to go back home to the heavens. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|05:14 pm] |
|
i severely dislike my life. i don't know why. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2007|02:39 am] |
from this moment, right here, i am peaceful. i'd rather not be alone right now, and turns out he wouldn't either, but we're too young to be together every night. besides, soon it will be for a long time. i hope his mind is where mine is. i hope its above and beyond where mine is, actually. i hope it's alot like it's the first day of my life. that would be wonderful.
forever and ever and ever.
i don't want school right now. i'm still stuck in the surreality of summer. of what has been and what can be. ever notice how life times pass in the summer? kind of wierd. like big fish shit is true. or can be true. i think there's alot more fairy tale in the world than we choose to recognize.
and that is definately our own mistake.
the bad happens, so we can appreciate the good. but if you can't figure out that that's a good way to look at it, then you're going to be stuck with only the bad, and none of the good. and that made alot more sense in my head. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|04:45 pm] |
|
i don't like the way my life is right now. i have everything i want, but i'm not happy with how the things i want are right now. it's a hypocritical mess. and ironic as well. i hope this weekend is amazing. because right now things are just mediocre. exactly what i want happened, but it's nothing like i thought it would be. mediocre is the perfect word to discribe it. fuck mediocre. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|02:42 pm] |
|
i wish your parents weren't like this. you'll deny it, but we can all see the toll it takes on you. and i can see the toll it takes on us. |
|
|
| i am scared. |
[Aug. 16th, 2007|03:08 am] |
i don't want to feel that ever again. i don't want to ever feel a pit fall in my stomach, and cold faintness on the back of my neck. the cold sweat and the feeling of drained blood. i never want to hear those words, or feel that way when i close my eyes again. no food. no water. no sleep.
there are far more painful and torturous things in the world to happen to me than that i know, but it still doesn't make it any less horrific.
i promised myself a year ago that i would never let myself bear that sensation and long arduous wait again. that i would never put myself in that position again. the foolish part of that promise to myself was that i knew very well that odds were i would not only experience it again, but numerous times. i was relying on my future maturity to soothe it. not to mention deep down there was that little speck of hope that i actually wouldn't need to enter that long vacation in hell again.
unlike a death, you always feel like there was something you could've changed. your loved one wont die because you're not good enough. they wont leave you on purpose. there's nothing like the feeling of someone whom has become part of you, someone you love, leaving you on their own free will.
that gasping, pounding, surreal sensation.
i forgot about it.
i imagained a movie script ending. that it would all come together. that in the end it would be a best seller.
sitting in the car with my amazing friends... no one believed it then, not even me. it had no hope.
but slowly after that, the following 2 days, progressed into this place of hope and faith. suddenly everyone thought i was different and believed there was definately a glimmer or faith waiting for me this time.
things got easier then.
i still ran away though.
then it became a purgatory. i felt emotionless with the wait, which on it's own is scary enough. to suddenly feel as if something that had been so crushing just days before wasn't affecting you anymore... that you almost were indefferent to it... is horrifying. then you feel like a heartless bitch, and very fucking lost. you don't know whether you are just tricking yourself out and taking a vacation from constant weight of lonliness, or if you really were emotionless to the whole thing.
that part is when i began to lose faith.
the end.
then i became a rare fucking case of a movie script. i still havn't realized the sensation of that.
i got lucky.
but now i'm scared. i'm scared of when it will happen next.
dorian thinks i will never have to feel that pain again. that i have finally found it. that i get to sit still, for the first time in my life.
it seems about as probable as a movie script ending.
meaning... no very probable at all.
but then again, where i am now didn't seem probable at all either.
i'm so scared and time is ticking again.
ever want to hold onto someone forever? well, i can finally hold on to him again... but i'm scared he will decide to slip away again.
why am i always so scared?
that's what he said too, that he was scared.
we both obviously have very different senses of fear.
too much faith in the faithless, and too little faith in the faithful. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2007|01:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
so im home, and it feels good. my mommy cleaned my room to an insane degree which makes me feel better right now because i had a horrible breakdown tonight and the clean room helps unjumble my mind a bit. ugh i can feel the vodka in my tummy. i think me and anthony are good, even tho he caused me to freak the fuck out tonight. idk maybe i just had a freakout coming and i blamed it one him? perry definately made it worse, that stupid fucker.
i saw dorian all day today and it was wonderful... and then i got a good helping of my talia too and gave her her gifts. i hope she liked them... i REALLY liked what she gave me. seriously. the coolest fucking stuff ever. hello kitty tattoo anyone?
my eyes are so tired, but i cant close thme because it's still california time in my head.
i love my brother, so much. he's finally my friend, and that's all i wanted my whole life. with him there, caring, and being a buddy, it just feels like my inner support group is complete. having him to give me a hug and actually want to hang out with me is the best thing i could ever ask for. i love him so much. ahhh it's making me teary eyed.
i hope anthony is telling the ttruth and not exaggerating. i just want everything to be ok. ugh that stupid fucker. i love him tho. and he loves me. im going to miss living with him. it just felt right. it just felt good. its hard falling asleep now without being able to turn over in bed and have him there to curl up against and cuddle and hide in.
god, georia scares me.
ok, this is just about on the verge of being too long for anyone to read, and definately too long for me to continue to focus enough to keep writing.
sleep tight. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|04:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
so no one really reads this shit anymore but i definately have some stuff to get off my chest. so im in california living with anthony. and i will be for a very long time. and i love it... but i can't deny feeling under appreciate and doubting feelings he has from me. however, i KNOW he loves me and im full of shit. i would just like him to SHOW it to me alittle more. I attempt to talk to him about it and he makes fun of me and tells me he obviously loves me and wants me because he took me all the way to california for the summer to meet his entire family. and now don't think im crazy, i know this and i get it. sometimes, it just feels fake without alittle emotion behind it. yes, he took me to california, and yes occassionally he'll do something nice. but he doesn't have that emotion behind it and without that it makes it feel empty. he does these things to prove his love, but its like a jelly donut. it looks damn good from the outside, but when you bite into it there's no jelly and its just not a jelly donut. there's no filling with him anymore. i know it's there, i don't doubt that. i know he loves me. i would just like him to show me he feels it. i know things change as time moves on and its not lovey dovey anymore... but once in a while can go a long way. i just want to feel special sometimes. like im special to him. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|10:24 pm] |
|
i like california... but it's only been like two days. i miss my mom. i dont know why, but i miss my family alot. my birthday is soon. my first one without my mom. oh well, lol i guess shit changes as you get older. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|02:08 am] |
2007 civic LX black coupe.
i love it.
and now, it's all mine.
peace.
i love anthony.
even if he doesn't believe me.
and we're not THAT amazing anymore.
i still think we are.
deep down.
i bet he does too.
maybe.
no, probably. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2007|04:34 pm] |
|
you're very disappointing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2007|02:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
"i didn't care about anything. then, one day, i walked out into the street and everything was different. i went up to this woman and next thing i know she's my wife and i have a son and it's beautiful."
it sort of reminds me of a while back when all i wanted was to be walking home, in the silent night, in the snow to realize everything is beautiful. for something beautiful to happen. that's how i describe it. i thought i had hit that point-
i feel withdrawn from the world. like the things i do dont matter and im not actually participating or connected to any of this around me. like i have this bubble, and nothing has actually touched my skin. i guess im just waiting for someone to really touch me. to somehow push their hand through the bubble and really touch mine. skin on skin, without this layer of space inbetween. sort of like a filter. when i am finally touched it will explode into a million colors and suddenly everything will be brighter, and the world in comparision is going to seem like it was so muted before.
i feel so distant, but it's not sad. i dont know if i even miss it.
hopefully tomorrow will be like when i few flakes fall again.
i love you joseph, i love you mommy, i love you poppy.
you tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2007|03:44 am] |
drama seems to follow me. and a great loss of money.
cali trip cut down from 6 weeks to 4 weeks for unchangable circumstances.
we will figure everything out- everything happens for a reason.
i need to remember to go to work tomorrow. or else there will be two small children very confused and very stuck at school.
i need to cut myself off from the sims2- im dork to the umph degree.
bbbaaahh i love anthony. even though he is a shmuck. he's my shmuck. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2007|05:58 pm] |
i hate this.
i don't know how much longer i can do this.
the sun better change it all. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2007|02:34 am] |
it's funny how you come back down to earth when you have nowhere to go but home, and you don't even have to travel; it's right under your feet.
anthony and i are leaving for chicago on friday morning. it's either going to be beautiful, or a slow motion melodrama playing out in my head.
wait, actually, let me retract that. skoobah just made me realize something. i need to take my own advice more often. over and over the words come from his mouth. the same explinary sentances, even tho i might very well be trying his patients with my wide child like eyes looking up at him and worrying my day away. gosh i can be moronic. there's nothing to prove anymore, there's nothing to fear. all we are is accepting of eachother. bad and good days. there's nothing to prove anymore- no need for constant smiles and compliments. they go without saying. loving someone even when the makeup is all off, and there's no filters of perfection, i guess that's the real prize. even when things are boiling over and my neurosis invades my body and i can feel paranoia invading my privacy, i still want to see the defined line in the dark and the firey hair that falls towards the pillow right there next to me. as long as those defined lines are fluxuating against the dark room with every breath, and as long as they're dancing like that at my side, i will appreciate it and remember it. whether it's forever or just one more day.
i found those lines and entangled them in my lense for eternity. they came out so beautiful in those pictures.
i can only remember hands. all of the most important people in my life. i've found that if i try to pictures the face of those whom have really impacted my life, whether good or bad, i cant. i can remember faces of aquaintances. desk clerks. delivery men. but never the people whose i've stared into for what feels like a second of eternity. even my mother, i cant remember her face clearly. i just saw her a few hours ago. but the face, it's fuzzy. however, i can see her hands perfectly, i can even feel the texture of her skin. every detail. i remember the hands. would you like to know if i've ever loved you? if i do love you? if you for some reason touched my life and molded just a tiny corner of my skin? ask me to draw your hands. you'll know then if im lying just to be nice, or if you really are someone i will remember with last breaths.
hands of the moment:
soft. wrinkle free. shiny. polished. long. lean. pale and pink. long nails. rounded tips. pink. smooth barely noticable cuticles. so soft on the knuckles. cushiony, with elasticness. long palms. strange thumb. i always though the thumb was strange. nail misshapen, but covered up rather well.
short. boxy. webbed. circular palms. barely there nails. completely abused cuticles. strong. warn out and worked, but nothing near as much as my fathers. pale. animated veins. strong but slightly hidden knuckles. wide padding on palms. short finger tips. even.
is it strange that sometimes i can see my fathers hands perfect, and sometimes i can only see his thumb and a nail or two and the rest is fuzzy? i can remember my brothers perfectly, but i can't list that off in my head right now i might cry a bit.
i can remember bodies so well too. especially if i split it up into sections in my head. SO clearly. faces though, theyre so difficult. i dont know, maybe theyre not as important to an identity as we thought. i mean, hands have touched everything in someone's life. maybe that speaks some worth while words.
i feel like my dog died. i know i should be upset, but is it healthy that this is affecting me so deeply?
my highway south mix is amazing. there's something about the music my dad used to play when i was younger, not this new shit hes gotten into as he has aged, the things back when he was young, that can make almost anything better. roseanne can do that too.
i can remember my grandparents faces. i can remember grandma vera's and grandpa dukes hands and faces. maybe that's because i've never been able to explain the depth of adorance in my love for them. once they leave, i don't know how i will handle myself. i'm tearing just thinking about it. i truly am his little girl. his favorite. and i know i'm not her favorite. i know she loves me tremendously, but there is many things that i do that have disappointed her. but she's one of my favorites.i don't think there's a more angelic person on this earth. i dont know what we will do without her. everyone.
the only reason i know how to spell "disappointed" is because i used to get yelled at about that word by him. he was very mean to me. i dont know why it was the way it was. why i let it go with the flow of the tides. i don't think i even wanted to be there. i guess i just didnt like seeing a ship with so much time and craftmanship put into it sinking. what a waste of time and love and care. so many investments are a waste. im glad i wasted that one tho, because then i never would be here. never with my fire. i wonder if "disappointed" is even correct. it probably is, as it should be for 40grand. however, there's always the chance of a failure in the system.
i know it was about me. i hate that i understand that. i'm sorry, but i don't want that. you shouldnt either. i'm happy here. happier then i might have been ever in what i can remember in this catagory of my life.
i've got to clean everything up. my body. my room. my messes. my losses. i know i can do it. all i need is to stop letting my own paranoia get the best of me thru nausea and headaches. you think i don't know where they're coming from? i hate when your body tries to outsmart you like you wont catch on. it's my body. of course i'm going to fucking figure it out.
i don't think i miss you. i miss the idea. but you've always have had too many issues you prefered to deny. everyone thinks im the crazy one. maybe there's just different types of crazy.
and now the sun says goodnight, and the moon shuts off it's light.
goodnight, sleep tight.
goodnight, sleep tight.
(i love you dad. i'll never forget that. ever.) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2007|01:37 am] |
you know what. i'm not happy with myself either.
i should change that.
still if i had to choose between being uncomfortable with my appearance and you, i would choose you.
i really do believe in you.
i don't know if i'm lying to myself, but i think i'm pretty sure, i would almost always choose you.
time will tell.
tick tock tick tock.
i hope i don't cry.
i love you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2007|01:08 am] |
flashback.
i hate this feeling.
i hate to know those words slipped from his mouth.
im very much scared and sad and upset and nervous.
but at the same time, i've experienced this feeling so many times over, that i've come to a place where i feel almost still about it. like i expect it, and therefore it isn't as bad.
i believe in you.
i believe in you.
i don't want that.
let's fix it.
i believe in you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2007|05:23 pm] |
i'm not okay today.
i guess i'm just scared.
i hope it wasn't a tease.
at least i know what i want for my life now.
make it fabulous, ok sunshine? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2007|11:13 pm] |
i am.... i'm not sure. in between. not too sad. not amazingly happy.
things will turn out.
fuck me im too lazy to write something.
hahaha. babababa. harharhar. hehehe. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|02:13 pm] |
they ripped open his chest and he's still alive.
score. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2007|11:48 am] |
skaaintdeadyet (6:40:11 AM): thank you love. that little picture made me smile like i used to.
that makes me so happy. i cannot explain. he's so sad. honestly, i can't really blame him with everything going on. however, he needs to take control and not let it ruin his life. time goes by too fast for that. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|01:38 am] |
we bought the chicago tickets today, and we have that room in the really sweet hotel for free, so that's all set up and i should be so excited, but i've just been down lately.
ive been sleeping so much this week. spring break basically consists of my bed... which probably isn't that bad.
i need to get happier. it's going to ruin everything.
don't worry bout a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright... |
|
|
| i accomplished. |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|10:42 pm] |
i got accepted to be a suicidegirl.
i just need to send in the papers.
i think i want this,
but what if i just wanted to be accepted to feel accomplished? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|06:55 pm] |
things are good.
now i just really need money... with all my plans for chicago and the summer i need some serious funds. how am i supposed to pay for chicago, california, and the cross country road trip? ill tell you how. with money. i hope i get accepted and everything pulls thru... that will be 500 bucks i definately need. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|03:33 am] |
i don't get anymore of the annonymus story emails. they barely made sense, but i sort of wanted to know how the story ended. two chapters and no ending. or was it three? i think i know where they were coming from, and i think i finally made it clear that i closed that book so it's probably for the best.
i miss bonnie and clyde.
i hate twit, i don't mind gentleman, and i sort of like lady.
i wish they had never left... really. i can't pin point why, but it just makes me feel so... not good.
i don't want his chest to make mechanical noises consistantly for the rest of his life. i wish i could make him all better. that would make my mother alittle better too. well, she is better, but it would make you heart alittle lighter. she used to be such a crazy bitch too. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|03:35 am] |
wow. really, he's wonderful.
so i go back to school on tuesday, and mary moved into the sorority (sp?) house so i have the entire room to myself... i'm definately going to miss her tho. i found some cute furniture at walmart to replace our amazing pimp couch, but this stuff is sweet too. i'm excited... it'll be cute.
i miss certain things about school; mostly my friends. michell, and amber... kady and gillian. i just miss that routine after all the classes are done. i miss amber so much and i get to have two classes with her this semester which is amazing. after all that personal shit, im so happy she's coming back and that she held everything together. im proud of her, mostly, tho.
if i could see those people without school i wouldn't go back. i feel like it's a home to me- but uconn as a whole can kiss my ass. it's not the place to be. i'm just sick of all that shit.
matt left for school before i got to spend alot of time with him and that really bums me out. he's one of those friends who are just genuinely good people. i need to tell him how much i appreciate him more often. if he had one dollar left in his life savings and i asked to borrow that dollar to buy a shitty candy bar out of a snack machine, he would let me. now that's a good guy haha.
as for sunshine i couldn't really ask for more. i feel so whole around him. and just genuinely happy. i don't have to try, or change because it just is. it just is amazing without me having to try to make it amazing... and i think that's the more amazing type of amazing :o) i can't believe i got someone like this. i can't believe that I, out of all the people in the world, got someone like him. sometimes at night i get angry at myself for being down for alittle bit or silly or angry around him, because it's so stupid and i just want to appreciate every moment i have with him. i wish i could show him how much he means to me. i wish i could do something wonderful for him. i would... but i just can't think of anything to do yet.
ok. it's late. i'm tired. well... kinda. goodnight! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|12:25 am] |
im pretty happy with my life. i feel like i've got close to everything. it's a nice feeling. i feel like i can trust you. i've never felt like that with anyone i've had this type of relationship with. there's a few things i would like to change in my life... but those are very difficult to accomplish and will take alot of time.
i'm happy.
i leave for florida on saturday and im so excited. diana and i have our own apartment and it's going to be so nice to get away from all the bull shit. yyayyy. i never thought id be this excited, but every day it gets closer i get more excited. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|02:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
i hope i can get everyone i love to make important new years wishes this year. ones they really think about.
and i know it sounds silly.
but i would hate for those i love to maybe miss out on the year that all the good wishes come true.
you really are pathetic.
both of you.
but sometimes i think one of you is just very lost, and very very dumb.
eh, maybe both of you.
i'm very lucky.
joseph hangs out with me and talks to me and sometimes even lets me hug him now. it's like we're friends. i can't even begin to explain the smile that brings to my face all the time. i feel like such a foolish child, but it's so amazing to me.
i need to clean the bird cage after i go to the doctor and get all those fucking tests tomorrow. and i hate that i can't eat after midnight. im fucking starving. screw you, unexplainable intestinal nausea shit. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|01:55 am] |
anthony gave me two little yellow birds in a yellow birdcage for christmas.
it's about that song.
i named them bonnie and clyde. haha i wonder if that names will stick.
clyde has some black on his back feathers, and is really lovable. you can pick him up and all of that fun stuff. he is so calm and patient.
bonnie, on the other hand, has a few green feathers. she has an attitude that could kill. she's very caty. she never wants to come out of the cage, and then once you do she's fluttering all over the place and refuses to go in.
he gave me more of my cartoon books too...
i love him so much, but i'm afraid ill jinx it.
merry christmas, lovers and dreamers. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2006|10:37 pm] |
i got my first christmas gift of the year, and it's perfect.
i was given the youyesyou.com book with a bunch of jason sho green's illustrations.
it's pretty.
and amazing.
and the boy who gave it to me makes it even MORE amazing,.
and trust me, its mighty fucking hard to make jason sho green MORE amazing.
really.
dorian got me a plant.
i need to make christmas gifts. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2006|12:24 am] |
either i am going to mess up
or i'm right and this is just like everytime before
or i'm not right and there will be the same outcome
or amazing pacients will prevail and there will be enough love to deal with me, and actually embrace my insanity. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
|
bvjcngnjkvcjgifgiofjigfddjiogfiogjfiogjiofgfjiogjiogjiogfjiogf. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|01:10 am] |
|
i got the pink back. my hair looks.... colorful. :o) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2006|03:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
this year i did so well on christmas presents.
i really think everyone i love will genuinely appreciate and like their gifts, and it will bring a smile to their face and then my christmas will be perfect!
i want it to be saturday around....3pm.
i definately hope i do well on the dinosaur final tomorrow.
oh yeah, and that i'm not too bothered by that english paper... and that i get it done fast, smooth, and correctly.
....and that i can figure out that english final prompt shit.
then i go home. and then it will be fabulous. i am going to make everything beautiful for myself, my family, anthony, and whoever so crosses my path.
hahahaha i wonder how long this disgustingly positive outlook will last. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|03:06 am] |
|
the most surreal night in my life. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|02:35 am] |
|
babayyy you make my heart beat faster. |
|
|
| HAHAHA |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|05:01 pm] |
dude. she looks nasty. i don't think she eats. i'm always the bigger one. i can hear jorge now. they hate her. i wonder if they love her now, and if she'll get the little angel christmas orniment too?
girls! girls! everywhere!
mary and i are getting our couch delivered today, i'm mmmaaaddd excited. ILL POST PICTURES!
i don't feel very okay right now, and i don't really want to talk to anyone. girls, girls everywhere...
just keep on walking forward.
keep on rolling forward?
just keep on moving forward.
i can't let my life sit at a stand-still any longer.
i'm supposed to put myself first, but it's funny. that's impossible when you're not going to win anyway.
that's not emo, that's a fact. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.6){kind=small}
please_know's journal